Dont think too much , block those feelings for now .

sometimes I just cannot stop the words from falling into my head , there are a lot of thoughts going on – so much to think , so much to wonder about – and thoughts that I should compltely stay away from . But when these thoughts keep interrupting my orignal thoughts, I like to come here and spill them out -and it feels so damn good.

It feels good to let out those stupid words and watch them rearrange themselves into undiscovered meaningful revelations about myself – and my perception of myself.

This is a nice safe place you know, better than a friend or a lover – for this place doesnt only listen to me -it forces me to listen to myself as well – and I need to do that sometimes.

You dont suck Devaki , you really dont – I know it seems like you’ve been doing this forever with no sign of an outcome- but thats good because it shows that you have always been consistent . You are true and you never give up – for now thats enough . Work hard and dont expect anything this time -everything will be fine.

Whats changed in the last few moths?

A lot , actually.

firstly , i dont live in the fairyland- dream factory world of lies and expectations. I know the realitu , I know my potential and I know myself a little better now. Secondly my own understanding of the way my mind works. I know what I do wrong and what I do right , I know my hopes and dreams -and i know my fears, well almost.

I have learnt that what lies ahead of me . is indeed just an exam that will affect absolutely nobody else but me – and somewhere – after having fucked up everything I could- I have defied expectations in the worst possible way . And it brings me so much peace to not have someone constantly looking over my shoulder and pushing me somewhere I don’t even want to be . I feel good having complete control of all my actions good and bad . I feel privileged to be a part of the only batch giving this exam after breaking off from the cycle of madness. I dont feel like a tiny hamster , running the wheel at somebody elses command – for once I have nobody to impress and it feels so good.

I feel free this time – free to make my future or go batshit crazy and ruin it – all on my terms , the way I want to.

And I think that’s why I’m not going to fuck up this time -Something good will come out of this -It is me who will make it be good.

Its 4.24 AM , and I a here – not to have some philosphical epiphany – but to find a friend to confide in .

Dont get me wrong I have many friends , I also have my parents and I have someone is like my brother – but right now , I just cant talk to any of them . I dont like to see the pity in their eyes the pity that comes with love , with affection for me .

I need to be a better person than I am – I know that too . I just need to somehoe figure my life out . i need to do it on my own this time , I just need to learn to be happy without any external output – I need to unlearn my need for validation . I need to work everything out , and while I do that – i need to confide into the only person who can understand me without love – myself .

So , today is Day1 of god knows how many days of hardwork , learning and really getting to know the difference between the person writing these blog posts and the one of lives the life after them.

Its 5.41am , on the 13th of july.

I am here to finally restart . Nothing else matters anymore , I am starting – I an here to face everything . All the mess, all my mistakes – just everything in general . I am here to tell myself that it will be okay , that I will be fine and that one day I will make it .

I love you DD – Its time the world knows how smart you actually are.

I was someone who never really realized the value of the people around me for a very long time . I loved them too, don’t get me wrong – but the fact that these people are responsible for 90 percent of my happiness and mental satisfaction , is something that never really hit me until some time ago . The fact that a simple ‘ I am so proud of you’ had the power to get me grinning from ear to ear and working on myself again for the millionth time – is something I wasn’t quite aware of .

I am the same person who rolled my eyes at people who stress on being grateful , but today I really am – for my parents , my family , my friends and the people who are like my family – I am genuinely grateful.

The fear of failure is something that I have always struggled with . Whether it be friendships or academics – I am not afraid to try , I am afraid of being told that I am not good enough to try . Over the years my bar for success has been very predefined – It was always set as something that I thought was impossible or unachievable . I was and have always craved for wanting something , but never asking for it .

The truth is I dont want to be afraid anymore . I dont want to be scared of not having the glorious places or the oh-so-pretty people . And even though I dont want to be scared , I still want those things . Life really sucks when you want something – but you find it hard to get . I have been working and preparing myself for this for so long , and with each passing day not much is actually done . I am afraid of losing it all , and i hate that it is the sole reason i might .

I want to be strong like i used to be – love myself like i did , but its hard to love someone when that was the one thing you didn’t want to . The possibility of a future scares me . the fact that I may not make it scares me as well . But the thing that has me petrified is that I dont know …. I am not aware of what is killing me . I need to do the right thing – to be the good kid – and i know that , I am just going to try to establish a system in my life before i lose it all.

Two years ago, when I was basking in the glory of the first achievement of my life, being a very positive person and really liking my life – I thought it was going to be perfect. I thought things made sense. My parents were happy, my friends loved me, academically I was on top of my game. Life was awesome -and all figured out.

I was a smart girl -opted for science and like every other time of my life -I was sincere and hardworking -so what could stop ME from getting my dream college -well, everything I guess.

11th began with a rude awakening – that while I focused on my one goal in standard 10 others focused on life beyond that as well. and when I wanted a fresh start – I found out that there were others who had started a long time ago. I was behind and failing-for the first time in my life.

But being me, I never gave up – I worked and worked harder with each passing day – and I still remember the last day before my Diwali holiday – when I scored 151/360 for the first time -and while walking back, life began to make sense again.

Days flew by and it was the may of 2019-i.e my 12th standard would begin in 15 days and here is where it started to go downhill, I guess. I was totally depressed and tired of working mindlessly and putting in my heart and soul into something -only to get no returns at all. I had never been happy after any test – never hung out with friends, or just enjoyed myself in the past two years and this had started to drive me crazy. I hated every second of studying that I once used to enjoy, I basically hated my life – but I was me so I kept showing up.

The next few months consisted of being mentally exhausted, tired of working, and deep down I knew I didn’t even want anything anymore. an I don’t just mean academically – but in a life-shaping kind of way. I just didn’t want to exist every day and sleep every night with constant fear, but I managed to go through with it.

December came and I was afraid. I was still scoring low in tests, still letting everyone down but what really hurt me from the inside is that nobody else could see me failing, nobody around me was ready to accept that I had lost it, and in this dark phase- only, I could see myself for the failure that I was.

Then came the day I’ll remember for the rest of my life-7th January 2020 aka -the Jee mains exam. Its absolutely unbelievable how I mustered the courage to get out of y house and show up to the exam -when I felt so unprepared and pathetic. I don’t remember anything that happened in those 3 hours. I didn’t remember what answers I marked in that paper -it is all totally blank in my head.

The only thing that I still remember is the fact that when 1 hr and 52 minutes were left in the exam – I felt a sudden jolt of energy in my mind -I felt my gut telling me that I was not the loser who slogged around for the past 6 months, that I did not deserve to be sitting in front of this screen, that I am capable enough to know the questions on the screen and the fact that I don’t- is a shame.

After the main , I came home and cried, a lot. Someone who was my mentor in this phase of 2 years called me – he asked me how the paper was and I replied truthfully. there was a moment of utter silence and then he ended the call. I proceeded to cry even more after that -because the minute this person realized that I am a failure – he gave up on me, and it hurt.

I put on gone girl on my laptop and continued to stare at the screen and cry and since that was a film psychotic enough to make me feel okay – I could cry in peace. then came another call – an unexpected one but it will stick with me forever as well. It was from someone who was like an older brother to me. he asked how my exam was and I cried and told him everything -about how I messed up and how my mentor gave up on me and how life didn’t make sense. I also told him that I wanted to do better next time and make it right.

I could hear him laugh over the phone and say -“cool.” . I was obviously mad at him but what he said next is something I will never forget .

He said “I told you before and i say it again . I dont care tuze kitna marks milta hai – it matters that you still want to fight -bohot log abhi give up kar dete . I respect you as a person today “

I also remember the day of the mains result and countless days after that. My parents and my sister were always my major support. It has me in awe that they are there, no matter what. I love the fact that they respect me for working on myself.

Then boards came and that was a whole different level of stress – but I gave it my all – and the result may be bad or good- I don’t have regrets. then came the last week of March – I was working all the time because I needed to prove myself but the screw up that my coaching had done was very difficult to clean up. I still remember it was very late at night when I read the news “jee mains has been postponed” and I was very happy. the lockdown delayed it so much that the April jee mains are now ‘Jee mains July.’ I still am working on myself and so are many of my classmates who were so deserving but got caught up in the horrible plan of my coaching.

It’s hard to go back to something that repels every inch of your body and mind. it’s tough to look back and think – if only I would have made the right choice. the fact that along with you even I want this post to have a happy ending still has me shocked.

The only weird thing that still scares me is the knowledge of being capable, that I know it from the bottom of my heart that I am good enough for this so much that it came to me in an exam hall, where literally nothing else made sense.

Maybe my story will have a happy ending – but I just wanted to make put it out there . I needed to close this previous chapter of my life , once and for all -before starting the next one .