Two years ago, when I was basking in the glory of the first achievement of my life, being a very positive person and really liking my life – I thought it was going to be perfect. I thought things made sense. My parents were happy, my friends loved me, academically I was on top of my game. Life was awesome -and all figured out.
I was a smart girl -opted for science and like every other time of my life -I was sincere and hardworking -so what could stop ME from getting my dream college -well, everything I guess.
11th began with a rude awakening – that while I focused on my one goal in standard 10 others focused on life beyond that as well. and when I wanted a fresh start – I found out that there were others who had started a long time ago. I was behind and failing-for the first time in my life.
But being me, I never gave up – I worked and worked harder with each passing day – and I still remember the last day before my Diwali holiday – when I scored 151/360 for the first time -and while walking back, life began to make sense again.
Days flew by and it was the may of 2019-i.e my 12th standard would begin in 15 days and here is where it started to go downhill, I guess. I was totally depressed and tired of working mindlessly and putting in my heart and soul into something -only to get no returns at all. I had never been happy after any test – never hung out with friends, or just enjoyed myself in the past two years and this had started to drive me crazy. I hated every second of studying that I once used to enjoy, I basically hated my life – but I was me so I kept showing up.
The next few months consisted of being mentally exhausted, tired of working, and deep down I knew I didn’t even want anything anymore. an I don’t just mean academically – but in a life-shaping kind of way. I just didn’t want to exist every day and sleep every night with constant fear, but I managed to go through with it.
December came and I was afraid. I was still scoring low in tests, still letting everyone down but what really hurt me from the inside is that nobody else could see me failing, nobody around me was ready to accept that I had lost it, and in this dark phase- only, I could see myself for the failure that I was.
Then came the day I’ll remember for the rest of my life-7th January 2020 aka -the Jee mains exam. Its absolutely unbelievable how I mustered the courage to get out of y house and show up to the exam -when I felt so unprepared and pathetic. I don’t remember anything that happened in those 3 hours. I didn’t remember what answers I marked in that paper -it is all totally blank in my head.
The only thing that I still remember is the fact that when 1 hr and 52 minutes were left in the exam – I felt a sudden jolt of energy in my mind -I felt my gut telling me that I was not the loser who slogged around for the past 6 months, that I did not deserve to be sitting in front of this screen, that I am capable enough to know the questions on the screen and the fact that I don’t- is a shame.
After the main , I came home and cried, a lot. Someone who was my mentor in this phase of 2 years called me – he asked me how the paper was and I replied truthfully. there was a moment of utter silence and then he ended the call. I proceeded to cry even more after that -because the minute this person realized that I am a failure – he gave up on me, and it hurt.
I put on gone girl on my laptop and continued to stare at the screen and cry and since that was a film psychotic enough to make me feel okay – I could cry in peace. then came another call – an unexpected one but it will stick with me forever as well. It was from someone who was like an older brother to me. he asked how my exam was and I cried and told him everything -about how I messed up and how my mentor gave up on me and how life didn’t make sense. I also told him that I wanted to do better next time and make it right.
I could hear him laugh over the phone and say -“cool.” . I was obviously mad at him but what he said next is something I will never forget .
He said “I told you before and i say it again . I dont care tuze kitna marks milta hai – it matters that you still want to fight -bohot log abhi give up kar dete . I respect you as a person today “
I also remember the day of the mains result and countless days after that. My parents and my sister were always my major support. It has me in awe that they are there, no matter what. I love the fact that they respect me for working on myself.
Then boards came and that was a whole different level of stress – but I gave it my all – and the result may be bad or good- I don’t have regrets. then came the last week of March – I was working all the time because I needed to prove myself but the screw up that my coaching had done was very difficult to clean up. I still remember it was very late at night when I read the news “jee mains has been postponed” and I was very happy. the lockdown delayed it so much that the April jee mains are now ‘Jee mains July.’ I still am working on myself and so are many of my classmates who were so deserving but got caught up in the horrible plan of my coaching.
It’s hard to go back to something that repels every inch of your body and mind. it’s tough to look back and think – if only I would have made the right choice. the fact that along with you even I want this post to have a happy ending still has me shocked.
The only weird thing that still scares me is the knowledge of being capable, that I know it from the bottom of my heart that I am good enough for this so much that it came to me in an exam hall, where literally nothing else made sense.
Maybe my story will have a happy ending – but I just wanted to make put it out there . I needed to close this previous chapter of my life , once and for all -before starting the next one .
thenextchapternow 